29/12/19- the first time i was able to process her death enough to even put my feelings into words.

Grief. If someone had asked me 6 months ago what I think grief would feel like my description would be so far from what I actually feel. I used to believe there would be  a textbook way to grieve, that you would be sad for  few weeks then start to feel better but the truth is grief doesn't have a guide or a rhythm or a specific sequel of how it goes, and that lack of control over what you feel is what tears you down the most. The loss of a routine is what makes answering the “are you okay” question so hard, because whilst some days you are okay, other days are so hopeless you question your own life and what sort of quality future you're going to have without someone who wasn't just your mum but also your best friend. Suddenly the person who would pick you up when you fell is the teaso you've fallen. It is hard to gather your thoughts when you feel such intense emotions, in fact it's hard to do anything, it feels like every inch of your brain is clouded over, like you're living in a nightmare just waiting to wake up and snap back into reality, when the truth is, this is your new reality and the pain isn't going to just stop one day.