22/1/20- life

Am I really living or am I just surviving? Nothing could ever have prepared me for grief. Not even my mum who could fix anything could have prepared me for this. And even now I'm living out my worst nightmare. I am not ready. I am scared and tired and every night I'm left feeling like a vulnerable child who needs their mum and the one person I can't have is my mum. And I am scared, scared of the past, scared of the future. My god I live everyday in fear and I don't even know what of. And what's strange to me is even after death has torn my entire life apart it still feels so insignificant to me. The idea of not being on this planet doesn't phase me. But how do you explain to people that you dont want to die, you’re not going to kill yourself but if you got told you only had 6 motnsh left you wouldnt be sad about it? Somehow a feeling I could never grasp as a fifteen year old with depression has become so clear to me. I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of living.